MY DAZE

The Perfect Date

My idea of a perfect date would begin with a nice dinner, giving us a chance to get to know each other better through conversation. This gives the luxury of getting to shove food into our mouths to get through any awkward silences. As I am a birth and postpartum doula and a private breastfeeding counselor, I have many great stories concerning mucus plugs and c-section rates that will entertain and enlighten you. I would also encourage you to voice your views on extended nursing, circumcision, and elimation communication. Hopefully, we can end up walking out of the restaraunt, hand in hand, smiling, knowing that we share a common belief of which brand of cloth diapers are most durable while maintaining the cutest designs.

Perhaps after this, we will visit a local pub for a nightcap. I might need to remind you at this point that I only plan on having one drink, as I am still breastfeeding my almost 2 year old and I want to get home in time to work in my garden.

When asked if I'm ready for a good time, my first thought is to wonder if you wanted to help me work in the garden or perhaps a visit to the local library. Despite the fact that I have two baby daddies, I am not quick to jump into bed with just anyone. However, when we reach that point in our relationship, you must be ready for excitement, passion, and an overwhelming sense of comfort and peace. Yes, I am speaking of the Harry Potter book on CD's that I listen to every night.

I have great expectations of my body being in just the right shape to entice a new man. By great expectations I mean that I do try to telepathically will my body into a toned, formed, and thin shape through a well-balanced diet of milk duds, popcorn, and diet coke. For exercise I enjoy marathon lounging, lifting many pounds of laundry and dirty dishes, chasing after toddlers, and stumbling from my bed each morning to push the on button on the coffee pot.

At some point throughout this dating experience, one might ask me, what do I do outside of spending time with my children? Someone might ponder besides the different aspects of birth, breastfeeding, and child rearing, how do I spend my time? What do I do for fun? At this point, I will look at the man trying to win my affections with a complete lack of comprehension. I will resemble a deer in the headlights as I try desperately to file through my brain to understand what he might mean?!?!?!?

If you are looking for a woman who needs new glasses, is astounded at the new amount of cellulite she has acquired within the last year, and has no time or patience for a real relationship please respond right away. I may not respond for a while as I may be busy nursing my son, taking my daughter to soccer practice, or praying for one night of uninterrupted sleep. However, I will be flattered by your attempts to get in touch with me.

Once I have some extra time on my hands after completing midwifery college and my youngest child is in school, I will hopefully respond to all interested parties. At which time you will be married with children of your own.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know me.