MY DAZE

While surfing the web the other day, I came across an 80's site and had some fun getting lost in a world of My Little Pony, Rainbow Brite, Care Bears, etc... I thought long and hard about whether or not I need a Goonies or Lost Boys t-shirt. The last time I watched The Lost Boys was less than a week ago.
In a short time I stumbled upon some old She-Ra merchandise. You know, She-Ra, the princess of power. You remember He-Man's twin sister!

I thought she was pretty freakin' cool in my day. In case you are unaware of She-Ra's vast powers, her mystical friends, or her awesome horse that transformed as she did, here is a clip of the opening from the 80's cartoon.

Just in case my readers are not embarrassed enough that I was into this as a child, it gets worse. The reason I had to write about The Princess of Power and remember her so well is because I owned the action figure and the horse. Why yes, I did also dress up as her on Halloween. I know, I know, where are the pictures? Believe me, I looked! The only one I think I own of me in costume is as a chubby blonde pumpkin.

I have always been a little bit OCD. My barbies were always perfectly set up on the shelf and the only way one would be allowed to play with them is if they wanted to change the beach scene to a restaurant scene. I loved my desk and let me tell you why, it was a way to establish my organizing skills at a young age. I never tired of reorganizing stamps, stationary, stickers, pencils, and other treasures.
Shortly after having my second child, I realized the anxiety was out of control. I could no longer sleep well. I had to listen to books on CD to get my mind to stop buzzing and to concentrate on someone else's life and their woes. It was much easier to worry about whether or not Professor Snape was on Harry Potter's side or not, than to contemplate to-do lists in my head over and over again. If my boyfriend was out late, I would call and beg him to come home as I could not sleep alone. A large portion of the reason I continue to co-sleep is because I cannot sleep alone. Even with family close by for reassurance, I still do not sleep. For if I gave in, if I were to sleep and something happened to any of us...
I panic a little when I'm driving. Mostly when other cars are too close. I worry about what they're thinking. I worry that I'm driving too slow, but if I speed up I'll get a ticket. Yet, when I'm behind someone going 35 in a 45 zone, I also start flipping out a little.
I am also finding it hard to obtain my goals. It is hard to get out and exercise, it is difficult to get the next paper written, it is a challenge to call all of my clients, due to the fact that I can't stop thinking about the overwhelming amount of things to do and my plans for getting them done. I have so many ways to do things the doing never gets done. I am too busy making lists to actually follow through.
This anxiety isn't just feeling worried either, it's the CONSTANT spinning in my brain. It is as if ADD, sleep disorders, anxiety issues, and OCD got together to throw a party two years ago. They came to visit me postpartum and forgot to get the fuck out. Why yes, I have tried medications. Despite the initial side effects going on the meds and the withdrawls when deciding to stop taking pills, they worked quite well.


Regardless, it is annoying to me to have to rely on meds. It is frustrating that my mind is as fallible as my body. Furthermore, my American culture reminds me daily how unacceptable mental illness is. As someone who has homebirthed a baby, does extended breastfeeding, and cloth diapers it feels foreign to rely on something so unnatural. Yet, my body's illnesses I do not hesitate to treat. If my leg were broken, I would not stand for this unrelenting pain and frustration. Well, I guess I would not be standing at all, would I?

I have been catching up on Ugly Betty. I never watched it when it was on TV. I was curious and decided to watch an episode. Before I knew it, I was on episode 11 within 3 days. ...and for some reason my holiday decorations are not getting put away.

I thought without a TV, I would finally start reading REAL books again. Nope, I just read more blogs and lay in bed with a laptop watching old sitcoms. Oh, the shame!

I am addicted to Harry Potter books on CD. Not in a normal healthy way that gives validation to J.K.Rowling's AMAZING skill as a master story teller. More in a creepy, relationships have broken up due to my inability to TURN OFF the Harry Potter, kind of way.

For almost 2 years now I have been listening to Harry Potter audiobooks almost non-stop. They are my blankie, my favorite stuffy, the thing that I cling to in this life to maintain stability and comfort. I cannot get to sleep each night without listening to the sound of Jim Dale's comforting voice. Many people rely on other methods to get to sleep.

Medications,

supplements,

listening to soothing tunes,

cuddling,

white noise,

not me, I rely on this!


The soothing sound of Jim Dale's voice, accompanied by the fine tale of Harry, Hermoine, Ron, and Dumbledore. They really do come to life as he does their voices so well. I can't possibly sleep with the voice in my head droning on about things to do and making grocery lists. Therefore I need the story of someone else's life to take me to another place. I have tried relaxing to MANY other audiobooks. It is simply not the same.