MY DAZE

As I still do not have a baby to show off all over the internet even though I am 8 days past my estimated due date based on last menstrual period and 4 days past my EDD based on conception date, I decided that I would use up my time showing off new baby toys.

Disclaimer: I was not born a carseat whore. (although sometimes looking back at this life as I am about to have my third child, I often dream of the life where I became a shoe and/or purse whore. Perhaps a MAC make-up whore? That, however, is an entirely different post) As I was saying, not born into the life of carseat snobbery. My first child was born almost 13 years ago and at that point manufacturers were still trying to decide what types of bungy cords would best help the car seat to stay down as it flung wildly around with every corner the car took. By the time my second child was born 10 years later, car seat technology had come a long way. Not near as many pool noodles and bungy cords were required to engineer them into staying within the car in a proper position. Around the time my son was born I also became friends with a carseat technician. This helped improve the carseat positioning even more so. I was feeling so much safer putting my baby in the car.

Then, it happened...
She gave me this for my son when he was able to ride facing forward.
Did you see it? Did you feel it? Did you sense it? RIGHT THEN, when I became a carseat whore? When I fell orgasmicly in love with straps that would never twist? When I knew that pool noodles, towels, and receiving blankets were not necessary equipment that one must purchase separately to make a carseat function? OMG, I am officially a carseat snob! (I won't even get into our interchangeable covers *Zebra!*)

Lesson for the day, if you ever become close friends with a carseat technician, remain friends throughout all of your childbearing years! This is vital. I do not care if she purposely runs over your dog or accidentally falls asleep while watching your toddler. Get a new dog and hire a babysitter. This might sound harsh, but when someone who is this dedicated to safety while riding in the car finds out you are pregnant again and states that they would like to buy you the carseat for the new baby, this is invaluable! A person who says that they can put no price on safety and to please help them choose what style would fit best in your car and which fabric you like is a person who must stay a close friend until you decide to schedule your hysterectomy.

Therefore, without further ado, meet my new carseat. Again, it would be far cooler if I had a baby to decorate it with. Yet, as my first child was born around 43 weeks and my second at 41, I wasn't holding my breath or anything.

I have been reading Rixa's blog a lot recently, Stand and Deliver, reflections on pregnancy, birth, and mothering. She has been discussing in many blog posts in great length her decision to have a homebirth with a midwife after having her first child unassisted at home. I am writing this post to say Thank You and Bravo to her for addressing this. She has gotten several comments stating that she was somehow betraying something or not totally trusting birth by allowing a midwife to be present.
I often feel that AP parenting and the world of birth can become a contest. Perhaps I am somehow falling short or not providing the right things for my kids as I cannot cloth diaper, homeschool, cook organic meals from scratch, use all-natural products, co-sleep, and give birth unassisted simutaneously. Therefore, I fail.
I have thought that I might be judged for not "trusting birth" enough to do an unassisted birth. Reading Rixa's blog lately has really helped me find the words that I needed to assure myself that I can trust birth in every way and not be a good candidate for unassisted birth. Therefore, here is my list of why I need my midwife present for my homebirth experience.

#1. Birth is enough work for me for one day. I have absolutely no intention of watching both of my kids, doing the prep work, and doing the clean-up work the same day I give birth. I want someone there to help me fill and empty a pool, throw away garbage, and start a load of laundry. This may seem silly to some, but it is truly important in my life. This may be as close as I get to a spa day, so I plan on enjoying the help.

#2. I do not have a support team that can handle the mess and I do not want them to feel burdened with the what-if's. The person who is most eager to help me when the going gets messy is 12 years old. The rest of my support team wants to either take care of my other children, take photos, or make sure to stay near my head. I remember being too tired to even reach for my baby after my last birth. It was the midwife alone who demonstrated any willingness to stick her hands in the water to swoosh my baby towards me so that I could catch him. My 12 year old is probably the only one besides me willing to touch placenta or the cord.

#3. The one or two people that may or may not be here might have to go to the bathroom occasionally or feed themselves.

#4. I have every intention of laboring alone and/or with one other support person. I have every intention of giving birth on my own. I do not plan on taking any herbs to induce labor. I don't want an amniotomy. I really want to experience the entire process for what it is. To me, I feel that by doing all of these things I am trusting birth and taking responsibility for my body and the process of labor and birth that is best for me. I do not feel that I need to experience an unassisted birth to do this.

#5. To be quite honest, I even considered a birth center for this birth, simply to be further away from my older children and to really ensure that my support system could not get away. I work my butt off in real life every day and birth may be as close as I get to being queen for the day.

I'd like to apologize ahead of time that when I think to take photos of my belly, it is late or I am sick. I'm usually in my jamis and it is a last minute thought when I'm in my bathroom brushing my teeth before bed. Sometime before I give birth I plan on getting a couple of nicer belly photos.
I haven't had a working camera for a few months and have been borrowing a friends as the battery charger for mine died. I just got my new charger and there were old photos from December 13, 2008 waiting to be downloaded. I looked at them and there were a few shots that had been taken with a terrible flash in my bathroom mirror, which had really needed to be cleaned at the time.
For fun, I decided to take a few photos of my belly in the mirror today, before downloading the old photos. All of the pictures were difficult to see, bad lighting, some had flash, it was just a mess. However, here is a slight preview to prove my belly is growing. Perhaps one of these days I will get around to proving that I have some photography skills, but today is not that day.

At 6.3 weeks, 12-13-08

Today at 24.2 weeks, 04-17-09.


The really odd thing to me is the weight gain with this pregnancy. I gained approximately 70 pounds with my first child and 50 pounds with my second. I will totally cop to being young with my first child and starting out at probably only 115 or 120 pounds. I will also tell you that at 17 years old, I totally believed pregnancy was an excuse to eat for two and I did just that! However, I did start out at the same pre-pregnancy weight with my last child as I did this one. As of today, I have gained 8 pounds. The reason I am so astonished by these photos above, is because I thought that I must *look* exactly the same, since I haven't gained much weight. WRONG! Another exciting development as of today is that not only can I feel the baby moving, I can see it now too. So Cool!

I found the article while reading one of my favorite blogs listed in my sidebar, Homebirth: A Midwife Mutiny. In her latest post she links to the article which has been released today and published in numerous places. It makes me smile. As a doula and a woman who has had a homebirth and planning another, I am well aware that women not only can, but should eat during labor. I'm just glad a recent study proved it for the medical profession who will quickly close their eyes, cover their ears, and run the other way. After all, insurance still pays those physicians way more for c-sections. Oh well, here's hoping...

I REALLY wanna go to the next trust birth conference!!! The pricing can be found here. The cost is pretty steep for my meager funds. Let me know if you are interested in carpooling to Cali, maybe that will motivate me to save more money?!?
*sigh*

Today I am 20 weeks. I entitled this post "The Halfway Point," but if this is anything like my other pregnancies this baby will stay in and cook for as long as it likes. My first child was born at 43 weeks and my second at 41 weeks. Somehow, with this pregnancy, that is really okay with me. Being pregnant for longer sounds more fun than giving birth sooner.

My first two children are 10 years apart. While many people question this, I think it has worked out very well and one of the many benefits of having children with this big of an age difference is the ability to forget about labor. Don't get me wrong, my last labor was empowering, I was well supported, and I felt like a superhero afterwards. Yet, none of those things is enough to get me to go running through the streets screaming, "I can't wait to do this again!" Sometimes I ponder hypnobirth, orgasmic birth, and those amazing women who can quietly and calmly 'breathe their babies out'. As someone who puked my babies out, I'm feel okay with keeping baby in. By the way, to make this perfectly clear, I did not puke a couple times throughout labor. I vomited with every single contraction. I dry heaved as I pushed. My son is two years old. Two years is NOT enough time to forget what labor is like. Labor and birth are empowering, there is no doubt about that. Yet, (note the whine in my voice) I just don't wanna.... As a doula, I talk to moms often about how each baby and each pregnancy is different. Yet still, I fear the puke.

I have decided to post a photo to commemorate the halfway point. Those of you who may have read my post, Cute Belly Pics, might be wondering why. There are a couple of reasons for the photo. First of all, I felt a little left out with all of the great blogs of weekly belly pics. I decided that even though I didn't have week one through forty posted that I should probably have at least one picture by 20 weeks. The other reason is that I received a few new-to-me clothes from some of my friends that I've met through attending local La Leche League meetings and I'm fairly okay with how they're fitting.

Anyone that read my previous posting in which I ranted and raved about my lumpy, untoned skin may be looking at this photo thinking WTF? To that I answer, that is what photo editing is for my dear friends! There is no giant bump missing and I did not redefine my arms or anything. Yet, the lines and crevices that mark my muffin top are well hidden. This is a good thing for everyone involved, I promise!

PS. Dear Breasts, I have noticed that you are unaware of the current situation. I am pregnant...get with it! People will really notice the lumpiness if you do not distract them with your milky voluptuousness soon!!!

Cannot be found on this blog. I'm very sorry. You will have to look elsewhere. Perhaps you can google people with tight, firm bodies pre-pregnancy. Maybe look up those who originally weighed 120 or less?
Those who know me will be thinking I'm insane as I have gained hardly any weight and they are right, I do not have a big round belly. I have a lumpy one that I hide well under clothing. It is forming no cute beach ball shapes, it is only wearing my saggy, untoned skin in differing positions. I am at this wonderful in-between stage in which my regular sizes are really tight or not fitting, yet I can't really pull off maternity stuff because I just look lumpy. Do you know what else is not sexy? Thirty year old arms. Thirty year old thighs. Not sexy. It doesn't matter that I haven't gained much weight with this pregnancy. I looked hotter gaining 70 pounds with my first child, as I was young and my skin was still taunt. I am 19.4 weeks and have gained about 5 pounds and that looks so much worse at thirty years of age than 70 pounds at eighteen.
I wish I could offer up cute weekly pictures. They would show off my slim arms from my side profile. I would have no teacher jiggle where my biceps should be. There would be obvious changes every single week as my tight, firm body would show every little new curve. There would be no distracting, dangling pudge here or there. Heck, those amazing photos might even be in my bikini!!!
*sigh*

Is the magical time when I can get out of the bed without dying. I no longer have to lay perfectly still to ward off nausea. I have been terribly ill and basically just laying around and waiting to die. My mind had wondered from cute baby thoughts to Sigourney Weaver's Alien thoughts. I was contemplating how awful it might sound to simply name the baby "parasite". My body was wasting away as all food was gross, all textures were vomitous. It hurt to not eat, yet when I tried eating everything tasted so wrong.
So here's the thing, my two year old has been running the house. It got so bad that there was food ground in to my carpet. Yet, I can clean again!!!! The house is almost back to it's original state.
This morning (my 5th day of being ok) I got up and made french toast for breakfast while simultaneously baking some bread for later. First of all, I was SO proud! I'm not a cook by nature. Second of all, as we sat down to breakfast, my 12 year old declares, "It's so nice to be eating real food again." These poor chilren have been surviving on cold cereal and ramen noodles for the past couple months.
So today I celebrate the fact that I can see the floor again and that we are all able to eat more than dry toast.

Some of you might be saying to yourselves, "Wait a minute, I thought you were single?" Believe me, the birth control and I had a SERIOUS talk about that! In fact, it went something like this:

Me: What the f*#@!?!?!?
Birth Control: I can be up to 11% ineffective. You should clearly read more carefully or abstain.
Me: What the f*#@!?!?!?

I have had a little more time to process since that conversation and have used the f-word far less frequently, especially in reference to the baby.