Anxiety
1:00 AM Posted In Confessions , Harry Potter , health , medication Edit This 2 Comments »
I have always been a little bit OCD. My barbies were always perfectly set up on the shelf and the only way one would be allowed to play with them is if they wanted to change the beach scene to a restaurant scene. I loved my desk and let me tell you why, it was a way to establish my organizing skills at a young age. I never tired of reorganizing stamps, stationary, stickers, pencils, and other treasures.
Shortly after having my second child, I realized the anxiety was out of control. I could no longer sleep well. I had to listen to books on CD to get my mind to stop buzzing and to concentrate on someone else's life and their woes. It was much easier to worry about whether or not Professor Snape was on Harry Potter's side or not, than to contemplate to-do lists in my head over and over again. If my boyfriend was out late, I would call and beg him to come home as I could not sleep alone. A large portion of the reason I continue to co-sleep is because I cannot sleep alone. Even with family close by for reassurance, I still do not sleep. For if I gave in, if I were to sleep and something happened to any of us...
I panic a little when I'm driving. Mostly when other cars are too close. I worry about what they're thinking. I worry that I'm driving too slow, but if I speed up I'll get a ticket. Yet, when I'm behind someone going 35 in a 45 zone, I also start flipping out a little.
I am also finding it hard to obtain my goals. It is hard to get out and exercise, it is difficult to get the next paper written, it is a challenge to call all of my clients, due to the fact that I can't stop thinking about the overwhelming amount of things to do and my plans for getting them done. I have so many ways to do things the doing never gets done. I am too busy making lists to actually follow through.
This anxiety isn't just feeling worried either, it's the CONSTANT spinning in my brain. It is as if ADD, sleep disorders, anxiety issues, and OCD got together to throw a party two years ago. They came to visit me postpartum and forgot to get the fuck out. Why yes, I have tried medications. Despite the initial side effects going on the meds and the withdrawls when deciding to stop taking pills, they worked quite well.
Regardless, it is annoying to me to have to rely on meds. It is frustrating that my mind is as fallible as my body. Furthermore, my American culture reminds me daily how unacceptable mental illness is. As someone who has homebirthed a baby, does extended breastfeeding, and cloth diapers it feels foreign to rely on something so unnatural. Yet, my body's illnesses I do not hesitate to treat. If my leg were broken, I would not stand for this unrelenting pain and frustration. Well, I guess I would not be standing at all, would I?
Shortly after having my second child, I realized the anxiety was out of control. I could no longer sleep well. I had to listen to books on CD to get my mind to stop buzzing and to concentrate on someone else's life and their woes. It was much easier to worry about whether or not Professor Snape was on Harry Potter's side or not, than to contemplate to-do lists in my head over and over again. If my boyfriend was out late, I would call and beg him to come home as I could not sleep alone. A large portion of the reason I continue to co-sleep is because I cannot sleep alone. Even with family close by for reassurance, I still do not sleep. For if I gave in, if I were to sleep and something happened to any of us...
I panic a little when I'm driving. Mostly when other cars are too close. I worry about what they're thinking. I worry that I'm driving too slow, but if I speed up I'll get a ticket. Yet, when I'm behind someone going 35 in a 45 zone, I also start flipping out a little.
I am also finding it hard to obtain my goals. It is hard to get out and exercise, it is difficult to get the next paper written, it is a challenge to call all of my clients, due to the fact that I can't stop thinking about the overwhelming amount of things to do and my plans for getting them done. I have so many ways to do things the doing never gets done. I am too busy making lists to actually follow through.
This anxiety isn't just feeling worried either, it's the CONSTANT spinning in my brain. It is as if ADD, sleep disorders, anxiety issues, and OCD got together to throw a party two years ago. They came to visit me postpartum and forgot to get the fuck out. Why yes, I have tried medications. Despite the initial side effects going on the meds and the withdrawls when deciding to stop taking pills, they worked quite well.
Regardless, it is annoying to me to have to rely on meds. It is frustrating that my mind is as fallible as my body. Furthermore, my American culture reminds me daily how unacceptable mental illness is. As someone who has homebirthed a baby, does extended breastfeeding, and cloth diapers it feels foreign to rely on something so unnatural. Yet, my body's illnesses I do not hesitate to treat. If my leg were broken, I would not stand for this unrelenting pain and frustration. Well, I guess I would not be standing at all, would I?
